This isn’t strictly a “Just thinking” post.  It is a combination of journal and “Just Thinking” but since I can’t remember how to make another blog address, I’m posting it here.

Sunday: January 24, 2015, 8:45 pm

First I decided to try to get the stains out of the sleeve of a white dress shirt.  The bleach pen helped a little bit.  I tried rubbing non-chlorine bleach into the stains and letting that sit for a couple hours.  Made progress but not good enough, so I decided to try the OxyClean spray.  No good, so I went for the Oxyclean crystals but I couldn’t find the container.  I “knew” that it was under the kitchen sink, but a superficial search was unsuccessful.  Tried the linen closet but not there, so back to the kitchen sink.  Well, that’s where all the cleaning supplies, flower vases, brushes, SOS pads, dusting stuff, bug spray and everything else that I don’t know where to store goes.  It’s a catch-all cabinet.  Nothing to do but start taking stuff out which ended up taking everything out.  Well, I got halfway through and had to take a break so I went back to my 2015 budget analysis that I’ve been working on over the past couple days.  Then I got hungry, so scavenged some leftovers from the refrigerator.  While eating I started watching an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, a show that I had not followed at all.  But thanks to Netflix, I can binge watch all the things that I failed to see when they were being produced.  I watched one episode, then returned to the sink project.  I finally found the OxyClean powder but by then, I had almost everything out of the cabinet and on to the floor.  So I finished that and got my shirt soaking.  Then I returned to the budget project which I could do while watching another episode of Grey’s Anatomy.  So now I’m up to three projects, not counting writing this little story,  all in progress simultaneously.  Now I going to go back to the kitchen and vacuum the cabinet under the sink and try to impose some order on it’s contents as I return them.

Okay, I’m back.  Had to clean and disinfect the inside of the cabinet while I have everything out.  Then I washed up the few dishes in the sink and some items that go back under.  Now I wait for everything to dry so I’m back to my story.  The last episode of Grey’s Anatomy really effected me.  One thread of the story involved a woman with Alzheimer’s.  Another was about a nurse who had terminal cancer.  She was shown actually dying, with the monitor showing her breathing and heartbeat that finally flatlined and the IV drip running.  Another patient had prostate cancer which had to be removed, and he feared that he would lose his ability to get erections leaving him impotent and feeling emasculated.  I couldn’t help but relive Mom’s final hours in ER, witnessing her draw her last breath, hearing the monitor beeping and watching the screen as everything flatlined.   It’s only ten days since the anniversary of her death.  It was a difficult day for me even after nine years.  Some things are so burned into one’s memory that they never fade.  A fourth patient had a brain tumor and had two options.  One was surgery which would give him about ten more years to live, but his memories and personality would probably be irretrievably damaged.  The other was to undergo radiation and chemo which would preserve his memory and personality but give him only three more years of life.  I was reminded of the agonizing decision to let Mom go in accordance with her living will.  Spending so much time with Dad in his final years, watching his personality, memory, enjoyment of living and physical decline ravaged little by little to Lewy Bodies Dementia, the story touched another tender nerve.   Finally, the story of the man with prostate cancer touched upon something that every man fears, even dreads — the loss of sexual function and libido.  It something that every man understands instinctively and no woman can really fully comprehend.  I may be wrong, but I believe that for most women, sex can be nice, enjoyable, even exciting.  It can also be a tool for manipulating a man.  Or it can just be a duty or a means of procreation.   For most men, sex is as necessary as eating and breathing.  It’s the centerpiece of a man’s sense of his own masculinity and identity.  If a man’s sexual performance is degraded, he will probably adjust to that, but if it’s taken away, it’s an almost impossible bitter pill to swallow. The story of the man with the brain tumor highlights the decision that too many must make balancing quality of life with the sanctity of life. Taken together, those stories led me to a rather emotional state.

By now it’s after midnight.  I finished the sink project.  It looks great and now I know where everything is.  I also cleared a stopped up toilet. My shirt looks much better now.  Tomorrow I will do laundry and go to the dentist.  After I launder the shirt, I’m hoping that it will be as good as new.  I mopped the kitchen floor and am having a little sandwich before I go to bed.  The budget project will have to be extended yet another day.  Should be horizontal by 1 am.